Struggling to Accept the Truth
by xblissfuloblivion
Summary: Set after 'The Honeymoon's Over' and 'When The War Comes Home'. Neela struggles to accept whats happened between herself and Ray.


**Title:** Struggling to Accept the Truth

**Disclaimer: **Don't own ER. Don't own Now You're Gone either, DJ Alex does.

**Rating:** FRT

**Summary:** RayNeela one - shot, songfic.

**Author's Note:** Hehe! Thanks to APEC, school's out for the day so I get a nice long weekend so I decided to whip up another one of those sad, pathetic, angsty one – shots set after the season finale that I can't get enough of. :P. I bet you're thinking 'God! she really should write a one – shot that's fluffy for a change!' But...oh well! This is what I got. Song used is Now You're Gone by DJ Alex. Enjoyiies! My new 'word'. Lol, don't mind me I'm just a bit out of it at the moment.

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**Struggling to Accept the Truth**

_---_**X**_---_

Everything carries on. Abby's and Pratt's endless worrying about you, Gate's constant nagging on working things out with you, Katey's bitchness towards you, Dubenko's ever growing friendliness, again towards you. You. You're still a major factor, nobody's forgotten about you, you're still here, you're still intact, and you're still alive. In fact you should be grateful that you're still alive. So why are you feeling like this? Like you should have just died. Sad, depressed and alone. The world's carrying on, yet you're ceasing to exist with it. Why? You know why, and a majority of the people mentioned above know why. It's because he's gone. But like you said, life carries on...well, except for yours.

_Now __you're__ gone _

_I__ realise my love for you was strong _

_and __I__ miss you here now __you're__ gone _

_I__ keep waiting here by the phone _

_with your pictures hanging on the wall_

You wander around, in a daze. People are passing by you in a fast blur, (like the way they show it in the movies) but you seem to be stuck in slow motion.

Catching the El, walking home, trudging up the apartment stairs.

You bluntly open your front door. You see a red light flashing in the dimly lit room. Your answering machine. Suddenly you're wide awake. _Maybe..._

Rushing over, pressing the play button, holding your breath.

_'Hey, Neela, __it's__ me, __Abby, just calling...'_

Excitement erased, all hopes dashed, clutching his picture to your heart, tears beginning to fall.

_Is this the way it's meant to be _

_only dreaming that your missing me _

_I am waiting here at home_

_I am crazy now you're gone_

Before she came to Chicago her life had been perfect, (well, at least almost) but somehow in the period of 4 years it had crashed and tumbled, _repeated__ly_. So, how did her seemingly perfect life end up like this? If someone had asked her five years ago where she thought she'd be right now her answer would have been; a successful surgeon, hopefully in a serious relationship, possible married. It definitely wouldn't have been widowed, surgeon, yes. Successful? No. Sure, she loved her job, well, as much as you could love a job when you waited on somebody like Dustin Crenshaw hand and foot. But all those were minor things compared to what stood out the most. Alone. Yes, she was alone and it was her fault. Her fault that she had led him on. Her fault that she had given him hope, only to crash it down. Her fault he had been in the accident. Her fault he had lost both his legs. Her fault he had moved away. Her fault. There, again, she was the common denominator, but it wasn't the common part of his life that she wanted to be a part of.

She wanted to be the part of his life that he trusted and he loved. A part of his life where she could kiss him whenever she wanted and not have to come up with a reason for doing so. A part of his life when he came home from a long shift that his face would light up by just seeing her. But that was all wishful thinking wasn't it? Because the truth in the matter and as painful as it was to admit was that; he didn't love her, he didn't trust her, he didn't want to see her, he didn't want to talk to her and most importantly he didn't want to _forgive her_. And she was just going to have to live with that. Because altogether, what she was struggling to accept was that he didn't want to be a part of her life anymore.

And she had ensured that.

_There's an empty place in my heart_

_now I only wish there wasn't a place apart_

_if only healing ever fades away _

_I'll think about you everyday_

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So? What did you think? 

Reviews would be appreciated, (Alot!). :P


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